My name is Peta I will be your writing tutor for this session and firstly thanks for using eTutoring! I will give you a brief explanation of any problems with your paper here, and I will give you a list of Next Steps at the end of your paper as well. You have a great paper here! Your tone throughout is professional and trustworthy. Overall your sentence structure is good and easy to follow.
To help with your organization I would suggest you look at your paragraph structure. The following website explain how tor structure a paragraph in the most effective way. https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/606/01/
I suggest you pay close attention to having a single thought per paragraph. If you try to include too many ideas your writing becomes less organized and harder for the reader to follow. This next website also address paragraph structure but more specifically for an argumentative essay. https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/724/02/ Please look at both of these websites as they will help you organize your paper which will help get your opinions across more clearly
Paragraphs are made up of two things: a main idea, and supporting details. A clear, main idea has to come first, and it should be your first sentence. You then want to have four or five sentences that support that main idea-that means they are relevant, necessary, and help prove your point.
Some of your wording or sentences are a little awkward and difficult to follow which inhibits the flow of your essay. You might be trying to say too much, or you might not have said enough. Remember: you want to have one subject and one predicate in each sentence. Any more or less than that and you've got a problem. The best way to find and correct awkward or run-on sentences is to read your paper out loud. You can only pause at punctuation, and you can only breathe at end punctuation (periods, question marks and exclamation points). If you're running out of breath, you've definitely got a...