The bar shows a survey of a group of young professionals aged 20-32 years that which factors motivating people to succeed.
Most young professionals think the personal satisfaction is more important than the others factors, this factors up to 80%, and as the same as personal satisfaction is ambition, and thed is pressure than society. The last three reasons are feeling inadequate, envy, jealousy, fears of failure, the following percentage by 32%, 30%, 25%.
You can famd that the top factors to urge to success by themselves is form personal reasons then they considered about family, peer problem and society issues, but, by the contrast, money and desire for materials things are not put the top place for them, these factors are the fourth and the fifth position.
The information shown below that let us know the motivational succeed is ourselves, from our ambition and satisfaction.
Mark comparison, statistics and categories
Two contrast way to describe the fact
The opening and the end is not strong enough to conclude what is the main objective.
The categories are not grouping for better but too much information are describing at the same time.
Show the statistics but not so specific that confuses audience to read.
Evaluation
Make 5 paragraphs that obtain opening and the end. 3 categories will be divided and each of the paragraphs can only focus on ONE category.
Make sure do not analysis what the reason why, describe the facts clear would be preferable.
Perpendicular and parallel comparisons would be the techniques of this issue.