Only the Messenger

Only the Messenger

When talking hypothetically to my friends and family, one must brace themselves for what is uttered from the mouths of fools. Sadly, this essay entry is no different. When asked to describe gifts I believed my friends would give themselves if they could, my immediate thought was common sense. However, the question was not what I wanted them to have, but what they would want for themselves. I have reluctantly chosen my fiancée Brandi, and my best friend, Will, to answer this inquiry. I would like to say that I am in no way responsible for the thoughts of those friends that are mentioned. I am only the messenger.

My fiancée’s name is Brandi. Without hesitation, Brandi would tell anyone who would listen that if she would give herself a gift, it would be boob job. If you saw my wife-to-be you would see that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her 34B size. However, “the bra-less one” is adamant about going up in size. She has already gone as far as selecting a doctor to perform the surgery and has strategically figured out how she will finance the procedure. There is one major snag in her “dia-boob-lical” plan. We have a wedding to pay for and self enhancements are not in the budget; not now or after the ceremony. By reading this, one would believe that Brandi is superficial; and she is. However, she has a huge heart and wants her breast to mirror the size of it.

My best friend, Will, is the epitome of a playboy. He has so many women that he would give himself the gift of being cloned to better manage and maintain his pimp-like lifestyle. Owning a business has its privileges and Mr. Hawkins is constantly cashing in on revenue and his female patrons. He believes that having two of him would only make life better for all. Every time I call his home, there is a female there cooking, cleaning, and doing everything else imaginable under the sun. He once sent me a video recorded from his cellular phone consisting of a female landscaping his backyard! Living...

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