October 20, 2010
Fear is a very powerful emotion; it comes with all kinds of uncertainties and a feeling of possible rejection. When I had what I thought was a secret I paced for days with the urge to vomit every time I thought about even uttering the words. Was my husband, J.R., going to be happy or was he going to think it was the wrong time? Next what about our oldest son Kyle, how was he going to take news of this magnitude? He is seven years old; I didn’t even know how to tell him something this life changing. Finally how were the rest of our families going to such a surprise? Then it was time, time to say the words I wasn’t even sure I could get to pass my lips. The words that had made me nauseous for days, I sat down to say what had to be said I thought every word was going choke me or not come out at all. Then I finally put the words together and it felt like I could every word as they escaped past my lips and into the air, “I am eight weeks pregnant!” Now it was time to sit and wait for the reaction of my husband, he was in a sense the trial run for reactions. This was the scariest part, the waiting for his racing mind to process what I had just blurted out.
As I sat there waiting I could feel the heat of the tears streaming down my red hot cheeks and fall to the ground as the fear washed over me again. I wanted him to say anything, just to say exactly what he was thinking. I tried to read his thought through his eyes to no avail. I finally blurted out “say something please!” While I sat there waiting for what seemed like hours waiting on anytime type of response I started thinking back to four day before when I took the home pregnancy test, I thought the test could not have possibly been right, so I went back to the store and bought three more boxes with two tests in each box and took everyone. After taking eight pregnancy tests I finally admitted to myself that it had to be right but I was going to the doctor...