I was 12 years old when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. However, being bipolar does not form my identity. Just because I have bipolar disorder does not mean it controls everything I do. I control it. Bipolar disorder has an influence on how I feel, behave and how my personality is, but it does not control what I think, say, or do. Although being bipolar comes with other things, for example, manic depression and A.D.D. or A.D.H.D., I have learned how to deal with it.
I was 12 the first time I cut myself. It was not that I liked being in pain, it was more like I was releasing pain. I can't recall what made me so upset that I turned to that, but for the first time I felt alive. I never knew it was a problem until a few months later when my whole forearm was covered in scabs. I was addicted. I will never forget the night that my best friend and I got into a huge fight and I told her I was going to cut myself. I never thought that she would tell our middle school guidance counselor. She called me down to her office the next day and made me show her both of my wrists. After that, the school called my mom and she took me to a psychiatrist who discovered I had bipolar disorder, A.D.H.D. and was manically depressed.
I remember being first diagnosed with everything. It was one of the worst feelings in the world, like being punched square in the face. It was also a huge blow to my identity. I was so mad at everyone for thinking something was wrong with me, when all they were trying to do was save me. It took me about one month, five therapy sessions and a bottle of medication to realize everyone was right. However, I would not let that disorder control who I wanted to be. I wanted to be happy.
When I found out that I had bipolar disorder it made me question why it happened to me. I started asking more questions about my father who left my mom, brother and myself when I was only 9 months olds and had passed away when I was only 7 years old. I never really cared...