An act to standardize the pronunciation of the word "Missouri".
Throughout this bill, the word "Missouri" shall be pronounced as "mi-zoor-uh". The term "Missouri resident" includes all people who work, live, or get schooled in Missouri, as well as spending over 96 hours in the state per week over more than three weeks per month. The severity of the crime will be defined as both volume and tone of voice, with loud derogatory instances being the most severe, and quiet or polite being the least.
Should this bill pass, it will require all residents of the great state of Missouri to pronounce the name of the state "mi-zoor-uh", rather than "mi-zoor-ee" or any other pronunciations of the word, in all occurrences of the word in verbal communication. Failure to comply with the bill will result in a minimum fine of 5.00 US dollars, up to a maximum of 50.00 US dollars, depending on the severity of the crime, which is up to the discretion of the ticketing officer of the law. Only one fine can be issued per sentence in which the word "Missouri" is mispronounced, no matter how many occurrences of the mispronunciation may be found in the sentence. In the case of multiple mispronunciations in a single sentence, the most severe instance of the word will be used to determine the fine. Repeat offenders will have up to double the fine which would normally be issued to them. The money which is legally obtained through means of this bill will increase government revenue to further improve the transportation system, the education system, and any other areas where the government requires additional funding.
This bill will become effective on one of two days. The first possibility is February 2, 2010. The exception to this will be if the groundhog found in the Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania Groundhog's Day Festival returns to its burrow, the launch of the bill will be delayed six weeks until March 16, 2010.
We feel that this bill will be a uniting factor among all Missourians....