Review Process

Review Process

  • Submitted By: kaysan1990
  • Date Submitted: 09/12/2011 1:18 AM
  • Category: English
  • Words: 785
  • Page: 4
  • Views: 948

You connect well with your reader and they have a great description of what you’re doing and you get the logic behind your story, also your story would appeal to substantial amount of people because your reading audience would be from anyone who has a child which could be grandparents, single parents , young teenage parents etc.

Opening paragraph: it needs to me much smaller, there is only one full stop in the opening paragraph and that’s at the end .Try to put a full stop before you reach more than 16-18 words 
if possible, try cut down your intro for example you say "the biggest challenge for me is trying to find something from my past i have either written or read about, and seeing as it has been so long since my schools years i have written anything and I’m not much of reader" cut the end were it says " I have written anything and not much of reader" because you already told us at the start you haven’t written or wrote anything so just rephrase it something along like this.

“The biggest challenge for me is trying to find something from my past to write about.
Since my school years I haven’t read or written too much to fascinate the story world, 
but I always did have soft spot in my heart reading to my daughter”.

See how it’s just a bit shorter and get the same message across and when you talk about the affection towards your daughter try to draw the reader in 
like the example I put in for you " the soft spot in my heart "  

Second paragraph: The second paragraph consists with her sleeping and goes into too much detail about each book, it is not vital for the reader to know every detail of each book. When explaining the books try to re-phrase it by saying” she had numerous books which she liked but in particular “Albert LeBlanc” who is a teddy bear who is the new toy in box which is always sad and the other toys always try to make him smile “ You could expand a bit on one of the texts, but not all because it is not vital to know the...

Similar Essays