Satire politics

Satire politics

Rand Paul drops out of presidential race after realizing he was running for president
by Israel Ramirez

Rand Paul, the young-gun Republican who sits atop his throne as the Senator of Kentucky, has dropped out of the presidential race after coming to the conclusion that he was, in fact, thinking of becoming president.

Paul told press that he was preparing a speech for Wednesday to tell the public that he is “still a thing that people should talk about” until he remembered that he had been running for president.

"It hit me so suddenly" Paul said in a statement. "I was working on my speech to remind people that my simple presence is enough to be on TV, expecting to ramble for about 30 minutes on how icky I feel about the gays, when I felt this overwhelming feeling like I had forgotten something. It was then that I had come to the realization that I was running for president, and I panicked. I didn’t want to be THAT serious about my role in Republican politics so naturally, I dropped out the moment I remembered.”

His presidential dropout isn’t the first time that pressure has gotten to him. He has dropout record also includes high school, college, and a Mary Kay program he tried before his current seat as Senator of Kentucky. Hoping to grow that record immensely, he wants to tackle swimming classes at the YMCA next. Paul expects to drop those classes within the first two weeks.

Paul explained in his statement that he is constantly forgetting the small things. Just last month, it was reported that he almost burned down his home after leaving the oven on and unattended. After the incident, he told the press that he had rushed out of his house after his father called him about a meet-and-greet of Kentucky’s most prominent campaign sponsors at Chuckie Cheese. He was reported saying that he didn’t want to miss out on “all the great endorsements he could earn over some ‘za and skee ball.”

A very credible source tells us that he was aware of being...

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