My body feels cold. I think I am going crazy while I am driving down the road. I called my cousin, Moe and said, “Listen, you have to come. I need you so badly.” Moe said, “Why? What’s wrong?” I said, “I need something to drink! Not any kind, I need to drink alcohol. I do not care what you are thinking, I cannot buy it because I am not older than 21, so you must buy it. If you are not going to, then I am going to kill myself!” Moe said, “Ok, relax, I am coming.” I cannot forget that night; it was the one and only day I got drunk. I cannot imagine if my mother found out. I know she would kill me. That night was the hardest night I ever saw before in my life. I am not that good girl any more. I am crazy, stupid and my heart is broken. I cannot even feel myself. I was as autumn leaf the wind takes from one place to another. I felt lost.
I had been with L for two and a half years now. We were deeply in love. He was the only reason for me to be alive. When I loved him, I loved him deeply and gave to him all of me. I thought only of his needs and his happiness. He walked away so easily and left me behind with tears and pain. I do not want to remember what we shared because it is so painful. I write of all the days we spent together in a book, but not just any book. The pages are made of the illusions and the nightmares of that love. I saw L with other women; I was so weak.