It's too simple. You do not capture the intensity of Twilight. You should focus more on the emotions and morals etc. instead of focusing on the actual events. Nobody cares that he took her to an Italian restaurant, you must say why this scene is important. It is because this is the scene where Bella is preparing to tell Edward she knows about him being a vampire. "A group of students that were gorgeous"? She noticed so much more about them than that! They were all deathly pale, they all had golden eyes, they kept to themselves etc. there are so many things that made them stand out and the only thing you include is that they are beautiful.

You should always elaborate. Never just "It is about Bella". Say "It is about Bella, a normal girl about to be swept up in a world of myths and legends" or something. Because as an author, never assume that everyone knows what you are talking about. "It is about Bella" does not tell us anything. Bella could be a frog, or an old woman. You need to explain yourself.

Please before handing this in, correct your grammer. "She stumbled herself"? That makes no sense whatsoever. Instead say "After separating from the group, she managed to get herself lost among the alleys and streets, and then noticed a group of suspicious men following her" or something. There are several other mistakes, but i am not going to correct all of them.

In conclusion, i think you have a good basic outline of ideas, you just need to focus less on the actions and more on the emotions and the reasons behind the actions. In simpler terms, try to explain to the reader about the complexity of their relationship, and try to get across that this is not just another romance.

Very practiced at essay-writing and editing. No offense i think it could be quite good, but I am a critic and everything no matter how good you think it is can always be improved.

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