Radio Procedure List
March 2nd, 2009 by skippy
(Submitted by Stitch)
My job involves using the radio a lot. There are certain do’s and don’ts which I have learned from the big stack of complaints in my personnel file…
1: My callsign is K31, not Motormouth.
2: Nor is it Artemis.
3: Must not refer to colleagues by nicknames on the radio (such as Bossman, Robocop or Dodgyman.)
4: The controller’s callsign is Control, not Sweetheart.
5: Must not genderfuck the controller.
6: Must not describe any official decision as “the height of muppetry.”
7: Must not preface any request with “be a dear and…”
8: I can order the removal of vehicles, but I must not phrase it as “can we get this muppet lifted please?”
9: Not allowed to refer to the public as “punters.”
10: Not allowed to describe anybody as an “eejit.”
11: Not allowed to describe anything as “dodgy.”
12: The phonetic letter for U is Uniform, not Euston.
13: Not allowed to call in bad jobs.
14: The radio is not a vox pop.
15: Nor is it a democracy.
16: There is nobody with the callsign “the gaffer.”
17: Must not call any colleague a “nugget” on air.
18: Must not sing on the radio.
19: I do not own any streets, and it is wrong to assume that I do.
20: Nobody wants to know if I’m hitting Soho after my shift’s done.
21: There’s meant to be a C and an E in “polis.”
22: Control does not gotta be joking.
23: It is unwise to state that I am “off to go skive somewhere.”
24: My workplace does not include the Macky D’s.
25: Not allowed to reference the Macky D’s when giving directions.
26: Officially, I would not rather be in the bar than out here freezing my behind off.
27: Do not make sideways cracks about control being indoors in the warm - he’ll only turn it round on you.
28: Control’s name is not “cockney geezer.”
29: I cannot pick up alien signals on my radio.
30: Not allowed to act uber-camp on the radio.
31: Cannot kid on to the public that I have the power to get them arrested on a...