Daniel d. Lee
Revision of first paper
The first paper was a great experience for me and I learned many new things about writing now that I got to deal with my first college essay in WRT 102. The topic for this essay came very easily for me since I love to play basketball and basketball has been a strong part of my life ever since I was seven. I looked at the comments given by my instructor to further develop my essay. I started out by finding out what the main problems concerning this paper was. Looking at the comments and through my own revisions, I found out that the most important aspect of this paper that needed further revising was the story telling and interesting examples. Mostly, I only used vague words such and didn’t give enough examples based on my own experiences to back these statements up. For example, in one line I wrote basketball has had a great impact on me. First of all, this doesn’t tell much to the reader besides the fact that basketball is significant. But why is the question I have to ask, and this is where all the stories and interesting examples come in.
I also didn’t have developed topic sentences and my thesis was way to general. I used words such as ‘memories’ to describe the impact of basketball in my life. While this is very true and basketball is a huge part of my childhood and process of growing up, it doesn’t tell the readers the extent to those memories. This is crucial for a paper to have since the main point is to tell a STORY within the text and use a theme throughout the essay to stay on track with your point. I made this issue clear by fully making a brand new thesis and giving specific details in with my thesis. Instead of using memories, I used memories with my father and friends. This gives a whole understanding to memories, since ‘memories’ can be absolutely anything.